Merry Christmas!

Hi everyone,

It's been a while. I know. But having fallen down some stairs a week ago (resulting in being told not to go to sleep "OR DIE!"), travelling up to London on the weekend for a birthday and singing for old people/charity, I've been up to quite a bit. Although I know everyone else manages to get around things like that.

.

Anyway, I am getting into the merry spirit of Christmas, New Year and mindless consumerism and have interrupted my little holiday by posting to wish you a lovely Seasons Greetings.

Oh, and I thought that I had to share this awesome asexy cake-hat tutorial: Maybe the perfect gift for an asexual friend/yourself?

Or maybe not, but I just had to share it. :)

Merry Christmas!

You're special... Just like everyone else

Who here has never been told they were special?

Go on, raise your hands.

Not even by your teacher mom/mum or friends?

I thought so.

I remember when my teacher, fed up of my incessant "but....WHY"s and my almost hyperactive eagerness to get my work done, told me how 'special' I was.

And even now, the sarcastic 'You're just special' is used by my friends.

Being special, or people scared of being a sheep, is a well-known cliche in books and movies. Everyone wants to be famous. Everyone wants to be remembered. It's the basic fears of humanity, surfacing in small children around the age of six or seven (If you read an excellent short story called 'Games at Twilight', you'll know what the heck I'm on about).

And, of course, almost every teenage girl (and probably more than a few boys too, I just aren't on that close terms with many of them :P ) think that;

The world is against them,

They are going through ____(insert here) completely alone and non-one has ever experienced it before,

and that their feelings (of first love, turmoil etc.) and thoughts are unique.

Now, I know that's a pretty harsh assessment, and I hope you'll forgive me, but I myself have been guilty of 2/3 sins at some time or other.

Now, to cut the ****,

My closest friend of ten years is shutting me out at the moment, because she is going through 'some issues'. She's told quite a few people what these issues are, but is excluding me because "You won't sympathise; This will never happen to you".

It isn't about my asexuality, and apart from it being because I have -5 eyesight or am around hobbit-height, there's nothing that differentiates us. And yes, you've guessed it, this unique thing that has happened to her is an emotion/thought.*

I'm sure that when she is ready, she will tell all, but what I find odd is that despite assurances that not to burst her bubble, she isn't that different from me, and isn't that unique, she still thinks that she is alone in what she's feeling, which means that I worry for her and feel really frustrated at the same time.

It must have had something to do with the many, many (rather than one) teachers telling her that she was special :P

Peace out.

I'm Back!

I don't know if anybody noticed, but I have had a bit of a hiatus. I have had a lot going on lately, but the extended rest period has mostly been due to my bogus computer crashing a lot (which meant that I ended up typing the same -long- letter out 5 times, and that I had to retype a 3 page essay the morning before it was due. I failed, and was hunted down by my elderly History teacher. Use the save button, people!), resulting in various hi-jinks and the loss of internet. But now I'm back!

Various Updates:

I wasn't able to do too much to educate my fellow students on the actual Coming Out Day or AVED, but due to my disastrous premature 'Coming Out' people surprisingly have been really understanding*. I wrote '...Is Asexual. Got a problem with that?' on Facebook, and amazingly, people that I don't know particularly well left positive comments and 'Liked' the status. Success!

*I wore purple armbands and proudly explained what they meant (I've been wearing pink ones for Breast Cancer Awareness Month and people wanted to know why I wasn't on Monday). People were a lot more understanding, to the point that when I was trying to explain about my anti-baby/marriage/want to learn about contraception agenda, one person turned around in their seat and said "Oh yah, she's asexual though, isn't she?"

The least positive reaction I had on AVED was one person confiding to me "I think you are too young. I'm sure when the hormones kick in you'll find someone." or, my favourite, "One day you'll fall in love. Well, I suppose it won't be love for you...Will it?"

You win some, you lose some, I suppose.

Asexophobia

Hey everyone! I've been reading up on my AVED-related activities. I had some awesome stuff lined up. It was going to be brilliant!
But unfortunately I've now been put off a teensy weensy bit off AVED 2009.
Mainly since of all the asexophobia I've copped lately.*

But what can one expect from attending school in a rural town entirely populated by chavs who don't even have a non-white population, let alone a varied sexuality base?
Basically, I made the mistake of thinking that because I had come out to a few of my friends from school who were understanding, they all would be. I also made the mistake of being proud to be asexual and not hush-hush like I SHOULD HAVE BEEN. Oops, silly me.
I also made the mistake of letting people prematurely see the mini-zine on asexuality I printed as a test run (I've since completely reshuffled the pages and added a link, so..) and then it escalated. First I got the standard '...wha?' responses, and I educated a few people. I felt proud. But my closest friend was really not understanding, or supportive at all, and insinuated that I was a crazy teen going through a stupid phase, and that AVEN was a paedo site and that all of the AVENites were freakazoids(When I told her to check AVEN out so that she could see the error of her ways, she not-so-subtly ignored me). I should have realised then that my AVED-related plans would crash and burn.
The next morning I was verbally attacked and abused, and now everyone seems to know I'm ace and asks rude questions about it. I only told... *counts on fingers* 5 people who were in school at the time!
Methinks people have been gossiping about me behind my back and generally discussing my (TOTALLY non-valid, apparently) asexuality behind my back.
In fact, the most understanding people about it so far (in this whole episode) have been a bunch of 11 year olds who heard about this by chance. But that's because they giggle when they hear the word 'penis' and don't think about sex, let alone alternative sexual identities.

So, I'm sorry, North Cornwall. You've missed out on having me as an asexual activist. And it's all to do with a bunch of narrow-minded teens.

I hope they're happy.

*There's actually been a big discussion about what to call phobia against asexuals. If you followed suit after homophobia, you'd end up with aphobia, which translates as having a phobia of no phobias. So, now we have asexophobia!

Coming Out In Middle School-Review

I recently read the Times article about 'Coming Out in Middle School'.

It's quite a long article (which is a nice change from the paragraph-or-two space-filling articles about teen sexuality) which talks mostly to American teenagers from 12 to 16 (again, covering new ground).

I liked the article because it didn't offer the opinion that these teens just 'didn't know themselves' and provided positive viewpoints.

Check it out!

Help Me...

Recently, the subject of my being in the closet has been rearing its ugly head all too often.

I'm under increasing pressure to be in a relationship from my mother (who did not take my 'coming out attempt' well at all), I'm constantly being faced with situations that force me to lie and closet myself more and more- to the point that I'm not sure people will believe me if and when I admit to them that I'm asexual- and my friends are bringing out the insecure beast in me.

Shallow, isn't it?

With October the 12th fast approaching, I've been preparing for AVED.

I want to do as much as possible (as mentioned in the previous post) and so I have been thinking up ways to make AVED 2009 memorable.

But there is only so much I can do in the asexual community, as I am most definitely not 'out' to my family.

To me, being in the closet generally doesn't pose much of a problem- but it does when it comes to family. Whenever I consider attending an asexual meetup, the problem's there. Whenever I consider buying an AVEN T-shirt, it's there.

I know for a fact that if I tried to come out to my mother today, she wouldn't take it well.

She has a problem with anyone under the the age of sixteen (strangely, sixteen's fine- you must magically age on your birthday) having any orientation identity other than heteronormative.

Not just asexual, but bi, trans, pan and even the most straight-foward, homosexuality is 'just a phase' for anybody under sixteen.

Help?

Life, the Universe and Little-Kiddywinks

Today, I had my first class in my PSME/Citizenship course. Inevitably, the talk of the class turned from 'Do well in your other courses' to 'don't get in debt' to 'get married and have kids'.

Our teacher was lecturing us about how we should know what we want in life, but when it became obvious that she was talking about "settling down " and there were some murmurs, she then produced the age-old line

"You may say that now, but I bet in a few years your views will change."

Now, it's well-known to the class that I'm definitely not open to the idea of marriage, and when I mentioned to the woman that neither was I intending to get married, nor was I planning on popping sprogs out, she obviously thought that this too was a cliche and went on to talking about safe-sex, and how they are often "Famous last words".**

At the time, I was throwing glances at my friend (who is the only person that's really aware I'm asexual) and laughing, but later, it made me think.

I may know that it's not likely that marriage etc. is going to happen to me, but everyone else around me- save my friend- is ignorant to that fact.

It makes me feel isolated and has pretty much put a damper on my otherwise-nice day.

When things happen like that (and they are happening, with increasing regularity) that effectively 'put me in the closet', they make me feel like a fraud and a liar.

So what? You ask. Sexual identity is not the Be all and End all of your life.

I attend a single-sex school full of hormonal, heteronormative teen girls *.

The 'sexual tension' is highly charged at times, and it's easy to feel out of place. Add to that to the fact that I'm a sexual minority and one of my best friends is gorgeous, constantly has guys after her and is a borderline-nymphomaniac, and it makes for some nasty emotions.

That's why I have vowed to get the word out on AVED 2009. Come October the 12th, I am going to be doing my utmost to help with visibility and whatnot. I don't want anybody within my figurative reach to feel the way I sometimes do...

The way I am starting to feel everyday.

*When I say 'heteronormative, I mean it. My school's population is so small, the statistics for gay and bisexual people aren't enough for even one person put together. I'm just an anomaly, I guess.

**I'm sorry about using so many quotations, but the lesson really was one whole big cliche ):/

Squishzilla

Recently -like many other ace bloggers- I've been thinking about Squishes.

Yes, that's right- Squishes, the asexual version of a crush.

For me (and I think many other asexuals) a squish is like the fledgling stages of a crush, or rather, a crush that a younger person may have.

Now, I'm not saying that asexuals are immature (Well, I can be, but that was always going to happen, asexuality or not), but that a squish is like a crush without the sexual tension. Sure, you are ridiculously happy whenever your victim -ahem, object of your affections- does anything to acknowledge you, and it may result in some hardcore Facebook stalking just like a regular crush, but there isn't the desire to do more than hug, hold hands and generally be intimate in a non-sexual way.

Now, to me.

I'm currently 'Squishin' majorly on someone- so majorly that it has become, in fact, Squishzilla.

But I have a teensy problem. He isn't asexual. Quite the opposite in fact, and he wouldn't understand asexuality if it was explained to him.

So... Say even if I was sexual, I would have a 10% chance of getting together with him.

Well, I have a less than 0.1% chance of getting together with him the way things are.

People that think that because asexuals don't have to 'worry' about sex, their lives are automatically easier, but... It's definitely not the case.

My Black Ring is Gone!

As y'all now know, I am -or was- the proud owner of a black ring.

It being glass, it was only ever supposed to be temporary, but it looked awesome and now that it's snapped in two, it makes me sad. Wearing the ring was not only a symbol so that others aces I met on my travels (as if, in the WestCountry) could recognise me, it was also a symbol for myself.

It gave me confidence in myself whenever being different got me down, made me feel a part of something that buoyed me up when I needed it most. And now that feeling is gone.

For the moment, all I have is me- and the phantom ring that results from wearing it day in, day out. I feel like an amputee.

On the plus side, I get to look for an even nicer ring when I go shopping to Bristol tomorrow. Any store suggestions?

Hey There!

Hi, I'm part of the one-percent of the world who identify as asexual.

Since this is my blog's first post, I thought I'd get a little FAQ going.

Since I don't want people to generalize from my views on being ace, here's my pick of the best FAQs from the Student Room wiki page on asexuality- which is awesome.

"What is an asexual person?"

An asexual is a person who is not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender. Everyone has certain people they are not sexually attracted to – asexual people just find that everyone falls into this group. Other than that though, asexual people tend to be very varied.

Increasingly, an asexual person is often described as 'ase' or 'ace', like a homosexual person is often described as 'gay'.

"Does this mean that asexual people can’t form relationships?"

Certainly not – many asexual people want to be in close relationships. They are just as likely to form close friendships as any other person. Many asexuals also crave romantic relationships and are perfectly capable of crushing on people and falling in love.

There are certain asexuals who do not wish, for whatever reason, to form romantic relationships. Increasingly these people are defining themselves as aromantic or asexual-aromantic.

"So who do asexuals fall in love with?"

Some asexual people do have a gender preference for their relationships – an asexual may define themselves as homoromantic (wanting to be in a relationship with a member of the same gender), heteromantic (wanting to be in a relationship with a member of the opposite gender) or as biromantic (wanting to be in a relationship with a member of either gender). Some asexuals define themselves as aromantic, not wanting to be in a relationship with anyone at all, just as many straight, gay or bi people may not wish to be in a romantic relationship. Of course, some asexual people choose not to define as any of these groups, taking life as it comes. Some asexuals are also polyamorous.

So do asexual people only have relationships with other asexuals?

It is usually easier for asexual people to have relationships with each other, but it is unlikely. Most asexuals end up in relationships with people who are not asexual. Although this can cause problems in a relationship, with communication and determination, there is no reason why a relationship with an asexual is less fulfilling than a relationship with anybody else.

And here are a few other questions that I'll answer for you.

"Hey, you spelt sexy wrong..."

No I haven't! Being 'asexy' is the ace equivalent of being considered sexy.

To paraphrase (ahem, plagairise..) an Urban Dictionarite...

1.	asexy
	An adjective used to describe an asexual person showing intelligence, confidence, style, physical attractiveness, charming personality, baking skills, or any other combination of sufficiently positive and unique characteristics. DJ is one asexy amoeba. I hear he can bake a three-layer cake in thirty minutes flat.

'' Why do you keep mentioning aces, black rings and cake? It's weird!"

Thanks for asking that, imaginary Questioner. Since it's quite hard for asexuals to 'fit in' sometimes, there's an online community created with them in mind which quite a few people visit regularly.

This means that it's become quite the ace hub, and things that are popular over there are often seen as synonymous with the ace community.

Cake

This stems from the fact that some asexuals, when asked about sex, will say 'I'd rather have cake!' Cake is often given to new members of AVEN and is now seen as something of an asexual symbol on AVEN.

Aces

Just as 'gay' is an abbreviation for 'homosexual', 'ace' is an abbreviation for asexual.

And since it's a cool word, I tend to use it as much as I can.

Black Rings

Mostly recognized inside the ace community, and with a few people 'outside' recognizing what black rings are used for, they've become a symbol of asexuality. They are worn on the right middle finger. Some people wear them for themselves- reminding themselves of their identity and giving them confidence- whilst others wear them purely for recognition.