Monday, 21 September 2009

Help Me...

Recently, the subject of my being in the closet has been rearing its ugly head all too often.
I'm under increasing pressure to be in a relationship from my mother (who did not take my 'coming out attempt' well at all), I'm constantly being faced with situations that force me to lie and closet myself more and more- to the point that I'm not sure people will believe me if and when I admit to them that I'm asexual- and my friends are bringing out the insecure beast in me.
Shallow, isn't it?
With October the 12th fast approaching, I've been preparing for AVED.
I want to do as much as possible (as mentioned in the previous post) and so I have been thinking up ways to make AVED 2009 memorable.
But there is only so much I can do in the asexual community, as I am most definitely not 'out' to my family.
To me, being in the closet generally doesn't pose much of a problem- but it does when it comes to family. Whenever I consider attending an asexual meetup, the problem's there. Whenever I consider buying an AVEN T-shirt, it's there.
I know for a fact that if I tried to come out to my mother today, she wouldn't take it well.
She has a problem with anyone under the the age of sixteen (strangely, sixteen's fine- you must magically age on your birthday) having any orientation identity other than heteronormative.
Not just asexual, but bi, trans, pan and even the most straight-foward, homosexuality is 'just a phase' for anybody under sixteen.



  1. As far as I can see, the best solution is to keep telling your mother, quietly and without much fuss if she disbelieves you, that you're asexual. If it gets to a proper conversation that you're confident in labelling yourself as that for now, but you'd change your mind if you felt anything different. And wait it out until you're 16. I don't know how old you are, but it can't be more than a few years, and it'll pass sooner than you think. If you were gay or bi, you'd desperately need your mother's approval for any same-sex partners you had. If you were transgendered, you'd need your mother's understanding right away if you wanted to present as your true gender, if not transition. As an a- or hetero-romantic asexual, all you really need is for your mother to understand that you're not that interested. You have a whole lifetime to convince her you're asexual.

    With your friends, it's not as easy. All I can suggest is, unless they're the kind of friends where fitting into the mold is more important than being yourself, never try to reinvent yourself as a typical sexual. You don't have to march around with an asexy banner, just shrug your shoulders and say you're not that interested in that kind of stuff. Faking a whole different personality isn't nessecary, and will probably get you into trouble in the end.

  2. Even if your mother doesn't believe that you're asexual, point out that there's no use in pressuring you to be in a relationship because a relationship is between two people, and so if there isn't anyone you like, no amount of pressuring will change anything.

    Also, if you're under sixteen, I find it unusual that your mother is pressuring you to be in a relationship. (It's usually teenagers with parents who forbid them from dating, and young adults (at least out of high school) with parents who pressure them to date.)

    My mother keeps asking me if I have a boyfriend (I'm 20), and she doesn't understand even though I keep telling her I'm not interested, but I'm used to that.

    Meanwhile, I've been on TV in an asexuality feature, marched in the Mardi Gras parade in my "Asexuals Party Hardest" t-shirt, written articles about asexuality in the uni newspaper, etc... so yeah. xD

  3. Thanks for all your nice comments!
    @KC The MoUsY Spell checker: for some reason, the situation with your mother makes me think of a 50s housewife despairing about her single daughter (from a play I did) XD
    @SlightlyMetaphysical: Although I was leading up to my asexuality, I never 'formally' told my mother (it was a long convoluted conversation about a few of my queer friends around my age-ish) and I'm not sure I'm ready to. I was going to wait until I was 16 anyway- and if I'm not under pressure, I don't think I'll be telling her then either.
    I know that being in the closet isn't ideal, but those are my plans!
    Again, thanks for the help.