Today is not a good day.
I don't know whether it's the onset of the bad weather, the influx of recent bad news or the fact that every time I open my mouth when speaking to my mother, I want to shout out "I'm asexual!" only to realise that, apart from it being a very bad idea, I have no reason other than my peace of mind to do this.
I mean, what would it achieve?
Since I'm not looking to disclose any details about my relationships in that way, at present, I don't even know why I want to get this out. But- I do. Strange, huh?
And the fact that a few nights ago my subconscious started tormenting me with a dream about my coming out being received perfectly, my finding suddenly a bevy of young asexuals and perfect friends in my neighbourhood to be my support group, and waking up to find that not only is this totally unrealistic; it was a really vivid dream and I can still recall it perfectly (after few days of wakefulness) now.
At the moment, my mind obviously isn't happy. I find myself moping for no reason, biting back ill-advised comments about my lack of sexual attraction to the mailman, and I do so hope it's part of this silly teenager-al business everyone is always going on about.
Luckily, I'm also hopefully going to be able to give back to the wonderful community that birthed these hormonal asexual whines (no, come back! I didn't mean it like that, honest!)
as Helen Croydon of the Times (UK) has asked for an interview- I'm especially happy about this as I'll be allowed to have a fake name, and lots of other AVEN peeps have said she's lovely. I can't wait!
I don't think I'm at a healthy place, at the moment... I don't have an excuse, really (apart from family issues, but that's been going on for 15 years, so I can't really start complaining now), but I still find that I'm constantly looking for something.
I think it's anxiety-related, and that's something for another day.
Ooh, and another good thing that I can't seem to appreciate, lately- I braided an ace pride bracelet, courtesy of the AVEN thread.
Here's how I did it (from a friendship bracelet site, but changed the example colours):
P.P.S- anyone who's reading this who has $1 ( or £1) to spare? Please help the Asexuality doc's Kickastarter program. It'll be an awesome film- and you will have helped it become a reality. And if they don't make it, you get your money back! Win win!
Hi there,
ReplyDeletejust dropping through, this is the first time I've read your blog. It's pretty cool to hear a young person speaking up about asexuality and I'm really happy to see how the asexual blogosphere has opened up in the past couple of years.
I think you are wrong about how shouting out about your asexuality is pointless and will accomplish nothing. It sounds like it would be very liberating for you to declare your identity to people who are standing in the way of you being freely you--including those who make offhand comments about mailmen because of what they perceive "normal" to be.
There is a common theory that depression is the result of repressed rage/anger/sadness. I have a theory that all the times I held my tongue about being asexual-- because I didn't want to start anything, because I didn't want people to think I was crazy, or trying to be defiant, or whatever-- have seriously come back to haunt me in the form of eternal unexplained mopiness.That's just my experience.
Peace of mind, as you mentioned, is in my opinion one of the most important things a person can take care of. It's stability definitely has long term effects. I hope that you are finding awesome ways to get it!
Hey Erin,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you like the fact that I'm a young blogger- I figure that, social media is a teen thing, and using it to get my asexuality-related thoughts out is good.
I think you're right about repression- I have had the weirdest things come back to haunt me, from lost family trinkets to regrets about not going on children's waterslides! I'm thinking that, although I'm still young, this year may be the one I'm pushed to come out, to family- or at least vocalize my thoughts on various issues, which if I aired properly would be just as liberating.
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog; and thank you for the awesome comment! :)